alOha once again.
I dunnoe why. Everytime i am sad i love to blog. So u can see all the emo and sad entries here and form the impression that i am a pessimistic person!!! yEAH! i guess so.
after the decision to withdraw, i decided to cancel my withdrawl;however, very soon on 24th August, i request for withdrawl again. I guess the person must be finding it weird that this guy is trying to be funny.
My decision is a painful one. I still remember the day when i took my O lvl in hospital, scoring a r5 of 31 pts. Then proceed to private A lvl while re-taking O's and subsequently retake As cuz i too cui liao and finally admitted to uni. During this process, i must say i have sacrificed a lot and endure a lot. These 4 years and till now is full of waves, like tsunami waves.
After all these hardwork, i am back to square one again. I have lost pratically everything that i have. FUcking me!!! RAY WAKE UP THE FUCKING IDEA!!!
sometimes, i envy ppl on the street who can study at ease and worry abt their social life and stuff. Why so? cuz i am always bother by my thoughts. I have not got a good sleep for these 4 years. Some ppl may say i am exaggerating but its true.
I have tried many medicine and therapy but it does not work. I still remember a quote which i saw in sch and it is somethin like " God has a plan to prosper you, not a plan to ruin you" kinda. Till now, i still have doubts about my life.
Now, i am left with so much emotional burden, a cranky brain, undeveloped business and full of uncertainity. I must say, i am in a worser condition than i was 4 years ago. That the worst thing. It seems like all hardwork are suddenly gone. I still remember the day when the school staff called me and i told him to proceed with the withdrawl. I have overwhelming emotion of my past 4 years. I have great time and stuff.
Recently, I find it hard to really smile and laugh truthfully seriously. Sometimes, i say i am really damn depressed and sad and many will like continue to be normal; i think they believe i am ok since i am always talking crap most of the time. In fact, i am pretty weak and terrible. Many times, i have tried to recover for outing but these few months was really terrible except for the uni Oweek which i must say i did enjoy myself pretty much lOlx....
The beautiful past seems to be gone. Now, i am pretty afraid to go out because of relapse. It is tough!!! FUCK RAY!
now my years of hardwork is really gone!!! I am so confused lA! dunnoe if i shld go for the appointments , all seems useless but if i dun go who can i source for help. First time in my life , i felt so helpless. WTF!
I still remember the day before my 21st birthday and during the exact day, i was feeling so terrible. For that few months , things really turn awful and i cancel the plan to celebrate even. I thought after coming back from HK trip i be fine. I told myself, i be happie in school and finally able to enjoy my life.
It was a joke after all.
I find my life is pretty a joke. I see many people failing around me and i told myself i be different and really true enough got into a uni and then suddenly all these are gone.
I am worse off then before. Scam by friend in terms of $$ ; few Ks!!!! heartpain!!. Now even when i ask for help from one of my past friend in NS , not really close, he asked me how much am i paying him! i was like wtf, initially he did not ask for it and i did help him before. not that because i helped him before, that why i expect him not to charge but he could have told me earlier. I planned everything and then now its gone again!
Sometimes i am thinking if what i did is really worth it. my licence ending in april , which means i have to renew again and then the business is still not stable till december which i will then be able to assess the result. In the process, i have to pump in a little $$ again which i am seriously running to deficit. This time round, if i failed again, i really have to withdraw cash from my invest fund from my insurance to tide over and then i be back by another 2 years effort which i save for my future. If i fail, i have to really find a job liao and i can forsee myself being in bad shape not that i want to be negative but to be realistic in this pragmatic world we live in.
I enjoyed the lectures a lot but..... FUCK AGAIN!!!
My sincere apology for the vulgarities Lolx i seldom use them for scolding and in fact i hate people to scold vulgarities esp during conflict.
I running on reserve energy and really torn apart. These 4 years plus has really been a struggle!
I guess i shall go back to emo again and get some pills from doc for me to sleep. Almost everyday, i have bad dreams or dunnoe what is it. i feel like i am not slping.
As you can see, this post is crap , ideas flow is not fluent and so random cuz i am so MESSY now!
emO RayOz, PreSident? Unsure? CRaP lIFe! BUCK UP RAY!!!
FUCK hell, CCB, KNN i am so frustrated la!!! KB!
alrite, i going off.
Ray?
Guess so.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
What Next?
Well as you can see all my entry are pretty depressing. Today's entry is no different. Today went to see the school psychatrist. I went with an open heart, and thought perhaps the doc could change my thinking.
He thought i came to him for treatment. I told him i am withdrawing and that the staff refer me here. In the end, he did not say much to hold me on and stuff which sort of disappoint me. I feel like i could not find much help everywhere.
The guy from the dean's office called me. He is really a nice chap and very helpful. But then, when i assess the whole situation, I felt that I am really in loss. I cant speak to my inner self either. And thus the process will continue and that means one of my future door is shut.
I have no mood to blog actually but then i was thinking perhaps i should blog it to release my feeling if any. I saw many people enjoying their life in jc and uni and stuff, yet i do not have the chance.
I love my past life. But what can i do now?
What next?
PresIdent RayOz
He thought i came to him for treatment. I told him i am withdrawing and that the staff refer me here. In the end, he did not say much to hold me on and stuff which sort of disappoint me. I feel like i could not find much help everywhere.
The guy from the dean's office called me. He is really a nice chap and very helpful. But then, when i assess the whole situation, I felt that I am really in loss. I cant speak to my inner self either. And thus the process will continue and that means one of my future door is shut.
I have no mood to blog actually but then i was thinking perhaps i should blog it to release my feeling if any. I saw many people enjoying their life in jc and uni and stuff, yet i do not have the chance.
I love my past life. But what can i do now?
What next?
PresIdent RayOz
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A Critical Stage in Life
aloHA!!!
This coming Wed will be a special day. Not any ordinary Wed but one that can potentially cause a "meteor-strike earth" or tsunami effect on my life. I will be meeting one person which I am quite uncertain will not change much of my fate. Nonetheless, I am still pretty hopeful as miracles do happen although less frequent than striking 4D or totO.
Back to the point, yeah Wed will most likely decide my fate. I do not want to give up. But many will see my decision as equivalent to giving up. However, I thought for a long time and from another point of view , i see myself as opening a new door for myself. I thought deeper and understand another pt of view. The new door opens less opportunity and offers a greater degree of risk which many feel uncertain. Having said that, people feel that my decision is an unwise one.
My decision will be a regretful one. I have thought of the otherwise and came to such conclusion. Yet, my decision will allow more breathing space for me to continue the rest of my journey (hopefully much better , who knows i will strike 4D again or pick up a winning ticket!! dun play play) .
I wrote down the things that I will lose and realise that I will probably gain little and bleed really alot. My tuition may be gone. My saving will depleted. My future plan will need a major revamp and this will probably push me back by a few years probably 4, in terms of my mini achievement that i have planned for my future.
Sometimes, in our journey we tried to get the "perceived" best. During unfavorable times, we adopt to undertake " the best out of the worst" strategy. To me, this is the rule of my life because it will certainly maximise the fullest of ur life since "best' is your aim.
As you can see, this is a rare entry with such many words; also, you will probably realise that I love to split my writing to many small paragraph. haha i often find it easier for people to read and digest but still i know few or even no one ever read anymore haha.
That's all I got to say. Many often I pray and seldom were they realised. Despite that, I will still pray that I will make a wise choice and that my decision will lead me to a happier future.
PresiDent RayOz
This coming Wed will be a special day. Not any ordinary Wed but one that can potentially cause a "meteor-strike earth" or tsunami effect on my life. I will be meeting one person which I am quite uncertain will not change much of my fate. Nonetheless, I am still pretty hopeful as miracles do happen although less frequent than striking 4D or totO.
Back to the point, yeah Wed will most likely decide my fate. I do not want to give up. But many will see my decision as equivalent to giving up. However, I thought for a long time and from another point of view , i see myself as opening a new door for myself. I thought deeper and understand another pt of view. The new door opens less opportunity and offers a greater degree of risk which many feel uncertain. Having said that, people feel that my decision is an unwise one.
My decision will be a regretful one. I have thought of the otherwise and came to such conclusion. Yet, my decision will allow more breathing space for me to continue the rest of my journey (hopefully much better , who knows i will strike 4D again or pick up a winning ticket!! dun play play) .
I wrote down the things that I will lose and realise that I will probably gain little and bleed really alot. My tuition may be gone. My saving will depleted. My future plan will need a major revamp and this will probably push me back by a few years probably 4, in terms of my mini achievement that i have planned for my future.
Sometimes, in our journey we tried to get the "perceived" best. During unfavorable times, we adopt to undertake " the best out of the worst" strategy. To me, this is the rule of my life because it will certainly maximise the fullest of ur life since "best' is your aim.
As you can see, this is a rare entry with such many words; also, you will probably realise that I love to split my writing to many small paragraph. haha i often find it easier for people to read and digest but still i know few or even no one ever read anymore haha.
That's all I got to say. Many often I pray and seldom were they realised. Despite that, I will still pray that I will make a wise choice and that my decision will lead me to a happier future.
PresiDent RayOz
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)