Double Reversed Decision

alOha once again.

I dunnoe why. Everytime i am sad i love to blog. So u can see all the emo and sad entries here and form the impression that i am a pessimistic person!!! yEAH! i guess so.

after the decision to withdraw, i decided to cancel my withdrawl;however, very soon on 24th August, i request for withdrawl again. I guess the person must be finding it weird that this guy is trying to be funny.

My decision is a painful one. I still remember the day when i took my O lvl in hospital, scoring a r5 of 31 pts. Then proceed to private A lvl while re-taking O's and subsequently retake As cuz i too cui liao and finally admitted to uni. During this process, i must say i have sacrificed a lot and endure a lot. These 4 years and till now is full of waves, like tsunami waves.

After all these hardwork, i am back to square one again. I have lost pratically everything that i have. FUcking me!!! RAY WAKE UP THE FUCKING IDEA!!!

sometimes, i envy ppl on the street who can study at ease and worry abt their social life and stuff. Why so? cuz i am always bother by my thoughts. I have not got a good sleep for these 4 years. Some ppl may say i am exaggerating but its true.

I have tried many medicine and therapy but it does not work. I still remember a quote which i saw in sch and it is somethin like " God has a plan to prosper you, not a plan to ruin you" kinda. Till now, i still have doubts about my life.

Now, i am left with so much emotional burden, a cranky brain, undeveloped business and full of uncertainity. I must say, i am in a worser condition than i was 4 years ago. That the worst thing. It seems like all hardwork are suddenly gone. I still remember the day when the school staff called me and i told him to proceed with the withdrawl. I have overwhelming emotion of my past 4 years. I have great time and stuff.

Recently, I find it hard to really smile and laugh truthfully seriously. Sometimes, i say i am really damn depressed and sad and many will like continue to be normal; i think they believe i am ok since i am always talking crap most of the time. In fact, i am pretty weak and terrible. Many times, i have tried to recover for outing but these few months was really terrible except for the uni Oweek which i must say i did enjoy myself pretty much lOlx....

The beautiful past seems to be gone. Now, i am pretty afraid to go out because of relapse. It is tough!!! FUCK RAY!

now my years of hardwork is really gone!!! I am so confused lA! dunnoe if i shld go for the appointments , all seems useless but if i dun go who can i source for help. First time in my life , i felt so helpless. WTF!

I still remember the day before my 21st birthday and during the exact day, i was feeling so terrible. For that few months , things really turn awful and i cancel the plan to celebrate even. I thought after coming back from HK trip i be fine. I told myself, i be happie in school and finally able to enjoy my life.

It was a joke after all.

I find my life is pretty a joke. I see many people failing around me and i told myself i be different and really true enough got into a uni and then suddenly all these are gone.

I am worse off then before. Scam by friend in terms of $$ ; few Ks!!!! heartpain!!. Now even when i ask for help from one of my past friend in NS , not really close, he asked me how much am i paying him! i was like wtf, initially he did not ask for it and i did help him before. not that because i helped him before, that why i expect him not to charge but he could have told me earlier. I planned everything and then now its gone again!

Sometimes i am thinking if what i did is really worth it. my licence ending in april , which means i have to renew again and then the business is still not stable till december which i will then be able to assess the result. In the process, i have to pump in a little $$ again which i am seriously running to deficit. This time round, if i failed again, i really have to withdraw cash from my invest fund from my insurance to tide over and then i be back by another 2 years effort which i save for my future. If i fail, i have to really find a job liao and i can forsee myself being in bad shape not that i want to be negative but to be realistic in this pragmatic world we live in.

I enjoyed the lectures a lot but..... FUCK AGAIN!!!

My sincere apology for the vulgarities Lolx i seldom use them for scolding and in fact i hate people to scold vulgarities esp during conflict.

I running on reserve energy and really torn apart. These 4 years plus has really been a struggle!

I guess i shall go back to emo again and get some pills from doc for me to sleep. Almost everyday, i have bad dreams or dunnoe what is it. i feel like i am not slping.

As you can see, this post is crap , ideas flow is not fluent and so random cuz i am so MESSY now!
emO RayOz, PreSident? Unsure? CRaP lIFe! BUCK UP RAY!!!

FUCK hell, CCB, KNN i am so frustrated la!!! KB!

alrite, i going off.

Ray?

Guess so.