Perhaps Time for something positive

Again, its been really a long time since i last blogged about my life.

Yeah, many tenders but i am rejecting many as well due to inability to cope with increasing demand and poor response from many areas. I guess only 1 centre will survive and I hope it will remain good for the rest of the next year.

Also, i have decided to return to study after dropping out previously as i really feel insecure about my future. Although my thoughts are not sorted out clearly, i guess time is really not on my side. I really need to endure through the next 3 to 4 years and buck up. However, I am thinking if i should join a cca , db , as it is time consuming andd not sure if i can cope physically.

Everytime i ask for guidance and I walked past many darkness. Hope i can pull through again this time. I hope to lead normal life;able to study well with clear mind and perhaps occasion obstacles in life . My mind is really cant make it. but i have to make it.

Alright before 10 dec, i have to send the letter and i guess it will make all the difference in my life. I have to clear my obstacles and make full use of my life.

Ray

Another Huge challenge

It has been a long while since I blogged again.

All these while, I have been giving out flyers to recruit students for my new project. To be frank, it is extremely tiring. Torrential rain during this moonsoon period can be seen. Its really tough and the students figure was not encouraging.

I decided to merge all levels in one class and many people think its crazy. But seriously, if I do not proceed to that, the project seems to bring in little profit to me. I have to proceed again with my plan.

Find a tutor for such as a mix class is tough too. However, I will try my best to guide the students and hopefully they will do well! Please, help me in this venture. I really hope it will be successful!

God, please bless me success, really need it as I am working hard on it!

RayOz, presIdent that has travelled into commonerland.

Will there be hope

hi,

its has been a long time since i blog . Today, i went for a meeting to initiate my project. It requires a deposit amount which is seriously a big drain to my finance. However, I feel that there is prospect in the business which i hope to establish presence in.

However, i am not too sure if other areas requires deposit as well which is indeed a big problem. I hope to be able to do without deposit in other areas so that i can tide over the difficult period. Furthermore, I have not take tuition from one of my student cuz i seriously think he is not learning although i knew i need the money badly.

I have many bills to pay seriously and i am wondering if i should really venture into that area. Recently, my mind condition continues to worsen and i really feel like giving up. I have tried so many ways to start the programs and many uncertainity ahead. However, I cant be hopeful as things are so tough. I have many things to worry other than my own problems.

Please show me a way.

Ray

Aftermath again

I am again writing as I can finally sit down and type this entry. Not that I do not have the access of the internet or my computer, but rather the mood and ability to write after many U-curve of emotion and deadly depression.

Finally, I went to see the psychologist on the 9th of Sept. I do not think i found the help i needed. When i heard her words, i felt pain. I dun wish to elaborate but it is so bad. Next, the business, some initial friends lost the ethu and i can see that my business will not be much succesful in my opnion. I am kind worry abt it as I have yet to hit the minimum target.

In addition, with all these negativities , i find it hard to find any +ve. Imagine now, i am without a qualification, without income, and most likely drag down by my current situation and future, I will be a loser for life.

Now, i fear living and I fear waking up each day.

I pray for just one thing. and when it happens, you will know "haha" .

Double Reversed Decision

alOha once again.

I dunnoe why. Everytime i am sad i love to blog. So u can see all the emo and sad entries here and form the impression that i am a pessimistic person!!! yEAH! i guess so.

after the decision to withdraw, i decided to cancel my withdrawl;however, very soon on 24th August, i request for withdrawl again. I guess the person must be finding it weird that this guy is trying to be funny.

My decision is a painful one. I still remember the day when i took my O lvl in hospital, scoring a r5 of 31 pts. Then proceed to private A lvl while re-taking O's and subsequently retake As cuz i too cui liao and finally admitted to uni. During this process, i must say i have sacrificed a lot and endure a lot. These 4 years and till now is full of waves, like tsunami waves.

After all these hardwork, i am back to square one again. I have lost pratically everything that i have. FUcking me!!! RAY WAKE UP THE FUCKING IDEA!!!

sometimes, i envy ppl on the street who can study at ease and worry abt their social life and stuff. Why so? cuz i am always bother by my thoughts. I have not got a good sleep for these 4 years. Some ppl may say i am exaggerating but its true.

I have tried many medicine and therapy but it does not work. I still remember a quote which i saw in sch and it is somethin like " God has a plan to prosper you, not a plan to ruin you" kinda. Till now, i still have doubts about my life.

Now, i am left with so much emotional burden, a cranky brain, undeveloped business and full of uncertainity. I must say, i am in a worser condition than i was 4 years ago. That the worst thing. It seems like all hardwork are suddenly gone. I still remember the day when the school staff called me and i told him to proceed with the withdrawl. I have overwhelming emotion of my past 4 years. I have great time and stuff.

Recently, I find it hard to really smile and laugh truthfully seriously. Sometimes, i say i am really damn depressed and sad and many will like continue to be normal; i think they believe i am ok since i am always talking crap most of the time. In fact, i am pretty weak and terrible. Many times, i have tried to recover for outing but these few months was really terrible except for the uni Oweek which i must say i did enjoy myself pretty much lOlx....

The beautiful past seems to be gone. Now, i am pretty afraid to go out because of relapse. It is tough!!! FUCK RAY!

now my years of hardwork is really gone!!! I am so confused lA! dunnoe if i shld go for the appointments , all seems useless but if i dun go who can i source for help. First time in my life , i felt so helpless. WTF!

I still remember the day before my 21st birthday and during the exact day, i was feeling so terrible. For that few months , things really turn awful and i cancel the plan to celebrate even. I thought after coming back from HK trip i be fine. I told myself, i be happie in school and finally able to enjoy my life.

It was a joke after all.

I find my life is pretty a joke. I see many people failing around me and i told myself i be different and really true enough got into a uni and then suddenly all these are gone.

I am worse off then before. Scam by friend in terms of $$ ; few Ks!!!! heartpain!!. Now even when i ask for help from one of my past friend in NS , not really close, he asked me how much am i paying him! i was like wtf, initially he did not ask for it and i did help him before. not that because i helped him before, that why i expect him not to charge but he could have told me earlier. I planned everything and then now its gone again!

Sometimes i am thinking if what i did is really worth it. my licence ending in april , which means i have to renew again and then the business is still not stable till december which i will then be able to assess the result. In the process, i have to pump in a little $$ again which i am seriously running to deficit. This time round, if i failed again, i really have to withdraw cash from my invest fund from my insurance to tide over and then i be back by another 2 years effort which i save for my future. If i fail, i have to really find a job liao and i can forsee myself being in bad shape not that i want to be negative but to be realistic in this pragmatic world we live in.

I enjoyed the lectures a lot but..... FUCK AGAIN!!!

My sincere apology for the vulgarities Lolx i seldom use them for scolding and in fact i hate people to scold vulgarities esp during conflict.

I running on reserve energy and really torn apart. These 4 years plus has really been a struggle!

I guess i shall go back to emo again and get some pills from doc for me to sleep. Almost everyday, i have bad dreams or dunnoe what is it. i feel like i am not slping.

As you can see, this post is crap , ideas flow is not fluent and so random cuz i am so MESSY now!
emO RayOz, PreSident? Unsure? CRaP lIFe! BUCK UP RAY!!!

FUCK hell, CCB, KNN i am so frustrated la!!! KB!

alrite, i going off.

Ray?

Guess so.

What Next?

Well as you can see all my entry are pretty depressing. Today's entry is no different. Today went to see the school psychatrist. I went with an open heart, and thought perhaps the doc could change my thinking.

He thought i came to him for treatment. I told him i am withdrawing and that the staff refer me here. In the end, he did not say much to hold me on and stuff which sort of disappoint me. I feel like i could not find much help everywhere.

The guy from the dean's office called me. He is really a nice chap and very helpful. But then, when i assess the whole situation, I felt that I am really in loss. I cant speak to my inner self either. And thus the process will continue and that means one of my future door is shut.

I have no mood to blog actually but then i was thinking perhaps i should blog it to release my feeling if any. I saw many people enjoying their life in jc and uni and stuff, yet i do not have the chance.

I love my past life. But what can i do now?

What next?

PresIdent RayOz

A Critical Stage in Life

aloHA!!!

This coming Wed will be a special day. Not any ordinary Wed but one that can potentially cause a "meteor-strike earth" or tsunami effect on my life. I will be meeting one person which I am quite uncertain will not change much of my fate. Nonetheless, I am still pretty hopeful as miracles do happen although less frequent than striking 4D or totO.

Back to the point, yeah Wed will most likely decide my fate. I do not want to give up. But many will see my decision as equivalent to giving up. However, I thought for a long time and from another point of view , i see myself as opening a new door for myself. I thought deeper and understand another pt of view. The new door opens less opportunity and offers a greater degree of risk which many feel uncertain. Having said that, people feel that my decision is an unwise one.

My decision will be a regretful one. I have thought of the otherwise and came to such conclusion. Yet, my decision will allow more breathing space for me to continue the rest of my journey (hopefully much better , who knows i will strike 4D again or pick up a winning ticket!! dun play play) .

I wrote down the things that I will lose and realise that I will probably gain little and bleed really alot. My tuition may be gone. My saving will depleted. My future plan will need a major revamp and this will probably push me back by a few years probably 4, in terms of my mini achievement that i have planned for my future.

Sometimes, in our journey we tried to get the "perceived" best. During unfavorable times, we adopt to undertake " the best out of the worst" strategy. To me, this is the rule of my life because it will certainly maximise the fullest of ur life since "best' is your aim.

As you can see, this is a rare entry with such many words; also, you will probably realise that I love to split my writing to many small paragraph. haha i often find it easier for people to read and digest but still i know few or even no one ever read anymore haha.

That's all I got to say. Many often I pray and seldom were they realised. Despite that, I will still pray that I will make a wise choice and that my decision will lead me to a happier future.

PresiDent RayOz

Using last strength to survive

It has been a while since i last blogged about my life. As you can see, most of the entries are pretty pessimistic with many problems.

Yeah, OCD has affected much of my life and currently, i am in doubt over gender preference issue again and see a pyschologist for it and also due to other issues.

I have suffered tremendous stress, agony and pain all this while and things are still back to square one. I feel so terrible each day.

Sleep is all I can do to reduce my pain. I see no solution and each day is just another day.

How i wish everything will be over and then I can stand up once again to do what i like to do all this while.

Who can understand my doubts, agony, pain.

Crippled Ray

Disastrous Ride

Halo

Again, my thing has been approved. now waiting for other side reply.

my ocd is back and i am really extremely depressed seriously, verge of breakdown.

who can help...

String of Problems

Hi

It has been quite some time since I blogged again. The boarding house rental problem has started again which is expected to worsen for the next few months. Deposit is at risk and things look unsettle.

Everytime when things since bad, I have the feeling of blogging. It seems so good to blog and vent it out.

My tuition issue has no result yet although i know some venues are roughly confirmed to have places available for me to hold classes. Without the confirmation from the authority, I am still unable to start any project at the moment. Money and time are locked. My aim now is to unlock these two issues to bring balance back to my life.

Perhaps it is a wrong venture to go into boarding house as people are no longer looking for such accomodation.

Although I feel like blogging, I am also pretty tired.

God, will you show me the way to success as I am really exhausted.

the exHausted PreSident RayOz

Submitted

alOHa Blog,

Yesterday I had submitted my application for my business matter. As I sealed my envelope, I still pinned high hope on this project. These days, I saw many similar projects as mine was being introduced and this means that I will be faced with tougher competition.

Time is indeed an important factor in business. Often, we wish to be the pioneer and fastest in the delivery of our services. Yet, things are never smooth. People may doubt your ability, be it your young age and your resources to succeed. These are common challenges faced by start up.

I was told that the outcome of application can take 3 to 4 weeks. It is a long period to me, especially when I know hope was low and that if I was rejected , then my 3 weeks and months of preparation will amount to nothing. Of course, others will say it is a good experience.

If you have read my previous entry, you can see the roller coaster of my life. This project has taken much of my time and effort to gather the necessary resources to succeed. It is like a small baby that may one day become a child and grow stronger each day.

Without doubt, challenges and failures are stepping stone to success, but the feeling of failure is bitter. Before failure, we experience uncertainty. Uncertainty force us to be active; we have to do something to increase our chances of success to fight this uncertainty. However, few knows the way and even if they do , few could succeed.

One has to create opportunity for himself: This is a common phrase. But, imagine that you create an opportunity for yourself, other people may refuse to give you an opportunity and this destroys your created opportunity. Ultimately, you may have to repeat step 1 and pursue you goal.

Negativity is bad because it stops people from achieving their potential. In life, we will meet with overwhelming of negativity. Today, I read the Study Grandmaster blog and came across this story about two executive who were assigned to travel to a less developed country to study if there is market for their shoe product.

Both came back with two different results. Executive A saw no one wearing shoes and concluded that there is no market for their shoes market. Executive B saw no one wearing shoes too, but concluded that there is a vast market.

There is a stark contrast in their conclusion. Executive B is positive about the trip; hence, he saw opportunity everywhere and is positive. Executive A is negative about the trip; therefore, he saw no market for the shoes products.

After reading this, I realize I saw the market that one may feel saturated. I am relieved about it.

However, I thought again. I created an opportunity for myself, will she as the approver of my application support my opportunity?

Again, uncertainty evolves.

The only thing that is constant is change.

Change your mindset and change your chance for the better.

SetBack

Halo ,

Its has been a long time since i blogged. I have already ORD so that means I have a lot of free time. Well, i have already planned out and decided to embark on a new project. However, I was disappointed again.

Received a call and spoke to the personnel in charge. She seems unwilling to approve my application. Also, in terms of profit sharing, it seems that I will be unable to clinch it too. Well, this is a critical problem. I think she is right. The risks are too big for me to handle. There are so many things to look at and she is expressing her concern.

However, my heart tells me to still work for it. I have registered my licence and prepared everything only to realise that she seems unwilling to grant a chance. New start up is difficult because we have no track record.

This is the project I am passionate about because I have a huge control over it. All the materials are ready and I am waiting for the final consent. Nonetheless, I am going to submit the form and let fate decide.

Often, people tell us that there is no point in worrying things that are beyong our control. Right now, this is one.

God, please bless me this time round, I really need to clinch this business. Show me the path and I will walk the route.

Please.

Ray

A Brand New Year

Halo

It's finally a new year already. Well I am excited about this new year and indeed I look forward to many things especially business.

Recently, I wish to go back to the basic to become an education agent. It seems a pretty tough job and I believe it will be very tough. I am looking to partner with my friend but there are many things to sort out. Plus, I believe it will be impossible to do all these alone at the moment.

To You,

Please guide me ...

RayOz